Marrying After a Life Together

Marrying at the sunset side of one’s life is a phenomenon that many same sex couples have found themselves in. Sure, there are many straight couples who have been together for years and even decades. Taking the vows of matrimony was most often not a choice denied but rather a choice not chosen. For many in the gay and lesbian community, however, marriage is more than the celebration of love. It is a political and spiritual victory after a long struggle to win the basic dignity of recognition that was denied to them.

Much has been said and written about the politics of this issue. But that is not what I write about here. Instead, I am sharing my thoughts on reconciling the deeper ledgers – of couples finally able to bestow an honor to each others hearts so many long years after those hearts have found each other.

The notion really did not hit me until we were given canned vows by the mayor’s office where we planned to marry. They spoke of building lives together but not of honoring the lives they together have already built. They were written for those who had more years in front of them than behind them.

The vows spoke “of this day forward” and of striving to build trust, love, kindness and respect at the threshold of a new beginning. They did not speak about honoring all those promises which had already been tested in the journey of the lives lived together. These vows were made to state a promise going forward, not to commemorate promises kept in a union that has already proven such mettle.

Receiving this boilerplate was a gift. It challenged me to look deeper and find my own words. It was in rewriting my vows that I truly defined what marriage now meant. I listened to my heart speak, and I share those vows here for anyone who may travel a similar journey.

I, ___, take you ___
To be my partner in life
Not to start a new life together but to continue the life we have forged with each other through the decades
To finally arrive at this moment where we can honor a proven and loving bond
And sanctify it.
To say with unwavering pride that I will love you for the tomorrows that remain
as I have loved you all the yesterdays that we’ve shared
That I will trust you and honor you
And be faithful to our hearts
Today, I join with you on the rest of our journey together
To be there for the tears that life will bring
With a gentle shoulder and loving arms,
To encourage each other’s goals as we climb our mountains,
And celebrate each other’s victories as if they were our own
To respect deeply each other’s hearts and feelings
And to always, always laugh even through anger, tears and darkness –
Knowing the power of a happy heart is the greatest gift
We can give to ourselves and share with each other
I say this from the deepest recesses of my heart
As I have given you my hand to hold
So I give you my life to keep.